This Fifty Shades-Themed Rabbit Vibrator Is a Little Too Basic

I’m not going to beat around the bush: Greedy Girl is a horrible name for a vibrator. It might look cute on a diner menu next to the “Hungry Man Special,” but as far as sex toys go, it’s pretty cringy. I also have strong opinions—and not good ones—about Fifty Shades of Grey. (Fun fact: it got BDSM relationships completely wrong and that can be dangerous.)

However, the entire book and film trilogy became a huge success, so much so that Lovehoney released a collection of sex toys inspired by the media, which E.L. James herself even approved. While the hype surrounding Fifty Shades has died down, the collection is still popular and the Greedy Girl Rabbit Vibrator, in particular, is a favorite with almost 2,000 five-star reviews. I decided to try it to find out if it was worth its salt.

Bigger Isn’t Always Better

I like most Lovehoney products. The company has something for everyone, no matter what they’re into or how much they’re willing to spend. I wouldn’t put Lovehoney’s products in the same category as Lelo or Womanizer, both of which have toys that can set you back a few hundred bucks, but with Lovehoney, you get what you pay for and I mean that in the best way.

It’s worth pointing out there isn’t any flair in the packaging despite this being tied to a popular book series. You get the purple box with the product inside, along with the charger and instructions, that’s it. What I noticed first with the Greedy Girl is its size: it’s really big. It’s, hands down, the thickest shaft of any sex toy I’ve tried—and I’ve been doing this for over a decade. If I had to give Greedy Girl a blowjob for more than 20 seconds, I’d probably end up with lockjaw. It’s also long. Lovehoney says its insertable length is 5.5 inches, which I thought was a typo because it looks closer to seven. (The measuring tape proved that I don’t know what 5.5 inches looks like, I blame partners who have boasted they’re seven inches.)

Once Greedy Girl was fully charged and washed (always clean your new sex toys before using them!), I got to testing. Due to the size, I took precautions and used quite a bit of lube. (Quick shout out to Head South’s Slip Serum, my favorite water-based lube at the moment.) Even before I turned on any vibrations, Greedy Girl was too much for this greedy gal. When I inserted the shaft (inner arm) of the rabbit, it immediately hit my cervix. Although this has happened during sex with an overly eager partner, this was a first with a sex toy.

I also noticed that when the shaft was inside me, the ears of the rabbit, which should have been in line with my clitoris, were halfway up my pubic bone. Yes, rabbit vibrators require a bit of finagling to make sure the G-spot is being stimulated internally and the clitoris is being stimulated externally at the same time, but in this case, nothing was lining up. Instead of my G-spot getting action, my cervix was being irritated and when I turned on the ears, they massaged my pubic bone instead of my clitoris. It felt good, but as someone who needs direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm, it just wasn’t working for me.

Having just reviewed Lovense Osci 3 recently, a rabbit vibe that lined up perfectly with my anatomy, I couldn’t help but wonder, à la Carrie Bradshaw, what the hell was going on. Maybe my body was rejecting the Greedy Girl subconsciously because I decided I didn’t like the name, but that wasn’t the case. Putting the Greedy Girl and Osci 3 side-by-side, the former is considerably larger. The inner arm is 1.08 inches longer—I never thought of myself as a size queen, but Greedy Girl confirmed I’m not.

Just Another Rabbit

Did Greedy Girl give me an orgasm? You bet. But instead of experiencing a blended orgasm thanks to dual stimulation, my climax was the result of using the internal shaft externally on my clitoris. Without a doubt, Greedy Girl is an extremely strong rabbit vibrator. It has two motors and 15 speeds and patterns. Its instructions say it has 36 possible vibration modes, but as someone who’s not big into patterns and prefers a steady ride, I’ve yet to run through those 36 options.

Photograph: Lovehoney